I heart.

I presume that, after a long absence, you would very much prefer an explanatory post over a sheepish silence. That's the thing, sheeps. They tend to fluff and puff and blow me all away, pom-tiddley-poms all dancing in their hulla-baa-loo.



But I digress.



I like digressing. It gives you time to do a little jig down the path and smell the roses, if you know what I mean. I do like roses, but even more so after their petals have been plucked off. Call me a Sadist, perhaps - but it is innocent, that beauty. Shy. Gentle and brushing against your cheek, almost fleeting. Like white roses, with their naive, blooming hearts.



Lilies, too. I very much like lilies, their mellow scents lingering. I think that they have a particularly sophisticated beauty. Like white against black. I find that charming, elegant, like dessert wine in calm, vanilla glasses. They're very much understated, lilies. A brush over for the pouting roses with their luscious, scarlet lips; the carnations with their frill and trill, the puff and pomp of pink-white skirts. But I always loved lilies most. Down to their beating, nectar hearts.



I want to dedicate this strange post to Natalie, for bearing with my silence. I know I left you hanging for more than a month, but I've been preoccupied. I haven't brought myself to scribble in words, no matter what I may have written. Someday, someday. I promise you, love.


Yes. An anticlimax of a return, but a return none the less. How I am going to continue from here I am still unsure, but let it thrum against my flesh, let it sing. I am blank, I am empty. I am filled with moments and they press against me, idle beating hearts. Cooing as doves, they rush into the sky.

From thin air.

for Camilla.

Because it is magic.

Pulled from the sleeve of her blouse,
the fullstops and buttonholes counting
One,
Two,
Three.

And the Happy faces on the dotted i(s) and !(s)
nod. Content, like sunflower smiles,
Silent & Still on their paperwhite lanes.

Silent, as the semicolons weep
their melancholy ink-tears.
Bleeding blue/black/rainbow
into Rebirth; a breath like smoke,
two holding hands lingering between.

And flick(!), her wrist, a pen,
captivating the, words to
se, parate, like Red Seas,
a single stroke, to move them all.

A word like a World.

A shooting star,
crashing through the atmostphere, stratosphere,
through membranes of feeling to a paper heart,

the heartbeat fluttering like a butterfly to a dream.

Create Message

Compose:

Hi. Its me. 2day i 4got u had left so i bought plums 4 u. Sugar plums. Ur fav.


Compose:

Yea its me again. I kept the plums in the fridge. When u come back u can eat them like u like. Cold n icy.


Compose:

Sorry. Msg looked wrong after i reread. *If u come back.


Compose:

U like chocolate icecream rite? Sorry. I 4got n bought vanilla. Prob will get new tub when this 1 is finished.


Compose:

Gonna use ur toothpaste. Hope u dont mind.


Compose:

4got u left again n bathed in cold water cauz i know u hate 2 c the mirror fogged up. Damn cold.


Compose:

Just rmbed that u like char kway teow. Was gonna buy ur share then i rmbed u left.


Compose:

Hse smelled like ur perfume today. Dunno why. Think i broke the bottle. Sorry.


Compose:

Found ur gatsby shampoo in my drawer. Cldn't stop thinking of u.


Compose:

Used ur blue plasters cauz i cut myself cutting plums. Ur plums.


Compose:

When u left ur thumb was still cut. How is it now? Healed? If u want i hav ur antiseptic.


Compose:

Did u c the doc 4 ur cough? Was thinkin bout how u always hav sneezing fits n wake me up. Was pretty funny.


Compose:

I hope ur happy cauz im not.


Compose:

U know i thought that after u left id be able 2 do anything i wanted 2 do but sometimes i walk round the hse n i realize that i cant.


Compose:

I miss u.


Compose:

I lo


{Delete all?}
{Deleted}

Rosemary.

Scarborough fair is loud soft quiet hard tense gentle touch kiss reach hold take smile sob weep laugh run walk come right back and cry. I wander through the streets like love lost and found, childish in this city of forgotten romance. Byebye, she said he said. Byebye hello I love you come back. Byebye hello not socially accepted queer gay lesbian. Byebye hello I hate you leave me come back I never meant what I. Said. In words in gesture in dance. The singular dance of heartbeat and hand flutter, over your chest, your cheek, her smile, his frown. Captured like a snapshot between the thumb and forefinger. Click click click in little polaroids I'd hang on silver/black leather chains, hold it close to me put it over my neck press it to my chest, beneath my chest, right above the breast, in between the soft white space where the scent gathers and kisses like soft marshmallow sky. I said goodbye you said hello how are you. I said leave me you said here have a cigarette. You lit it for me. I took it I said leave me. I took it you took my hand you said it went out I said I don't smoke you lit it for me I drank in the black black nicotine and I said come back.

Then you touched my cheek then you went far far away and you never came back.

And I said come back.

Conflict.

for Jack & Ennis,
and everyone else who didn't dare hold their lover's hand.

I
kissed you.

You said no go away.
You said no not correct not socially accepted.
You said no you disgust me don't come near.
You said no go away.

Yesterday I
took
your hand.

You closed your fingers around mine.
You turned around looked at me looked at my hand.
You turned around touched my lip my cheek closed your eyes.
You turned around closed your fingers around mine.

We aren't queer
You said I said.

You said I said
We aren't queer not socially accepted goodbye I love you.

You said I said
I love you.

Kamikaze.

Mommy, what are those things in the sky?
Look, they fly, like birds,
Big and bright and sparkling grey!
Mommy, can you catch me one?
Catch me one like the star you caught for me
in a pail of water?

Dear Husband,
The fighter planes came today.
Our daughter thought they were birds.

Mommy, did you see them?
They fly so fast, like the black birds,
the ones that are black like night!
Mommy, don’t be scared of them,
They don’t hurt, they only catch the wind and
Make it play with us.

Dear Husband,
It’s the rainy season.
Remember to wear more layers to keep warm.

Mommy, do you think Daddy can see them?
Where did he go? How come?
Mommy, don’t cry.
Maybe he went with the big bright birds
Maybe he’ll catch one home for us
Maybe he’ll catch the clouds.

Dear Husband,
I think our daughter is growing up.
I think she looks like you.

Mommy, where are we going?
Why must we go, Mommy?
Is it because of the Men who keep coming at night?
They’re so strange, Mommy, and they speak all funny!
Why are you scared of them, Mommy?
Don’t be scared.

Dear Husband,
We had to leave today.
I left the wedding rings in our drawer.

Mommy, how come we have to hide?
It’s so dark, Mommy, and the sounds are so loud and painful.
I’m scared, Mommy. I want to go home.
Please, Mommy.
Let’s go home.
Let’s go home.

Dear Husband,
I just want you to know,
that I love you very, very much.

Mommy, the sounds are getting louder
The funny men are shouting so loud, they’re scaring me.
Mommy, look! It’s the birds again!
Mommy, don’t be scared of them.
Mommy, you’re hugging me too tight.
The birds are coming, Mommy!
The birds are coming!

Dear Husband,
I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on.

~

12th September 1945.
The Japanese signed the formal surrender,
Leaving 50 000 Singaporeans dead.

~

Dear Wife,
I’m coming home.

Eye.

for Iris Chang.

What did you see?
Soft flesh moulded withered and coolboned.
The sanity bleached off with blood,
The heart worn down by bayonets.

What did you see?
Beneath those tired eyelids
Within the cornea, retina,
the pupil and iris.

The soul like a lily
blooming by a grave.

Firework.

Spark.

We drizzled the colour in your paper veins,
pressed your beating gunpowder heart into your chest.

Born.

Papertwisted, dangerous and kamikaze beautiful,
Quietly awaiting your own sweet end.

Light.

You left,
skyrocketing away from us,
blossoming your colours in bright sky and bleeding stars.